Transphobia is alive in porn, this idea that people are scared of us or totally disgusted by trans people is something I didn’t think was going to be so readily admitted particularly by “feminist” porn director and mainstream porn as a whole. I’m sure you are all aware of the debate on trans inclusion in lesbian porn which started with Drew Deveaux’s scene for Nica Noelle with Sinn Sage or Lily Cade walking off a set while misgendering a trans woman because of her “Gold Star” status. There is this idea that has been ingrained in porn for years that gay performers and trans performers are at high risk for hiv/stds. These beliefs against trans people are largely rooted in the stigma around trans bodies that is perpetuated via mainstream trans porn companies who use extremely troubling language to market us as some kind of 3rd gender made for sex.

I entered mainstream trans porn extremely naive on the realities of how being called transphobic language would not only affect me personally but on a larger scale how it portrays trans sexuality. The way cis performers in mainstream porn interacted with me was extremely cold. I wouldn’t get certain companies to email me back or performers would just treat me what I felt like was very strange that I was all so used to in the rest of the world as being a trans woman.

The longer I was in the industry the more I gained a voice that really allowed people to listen to what I was largely saying before I got into this industry. That trans women are the only ones who should be able to reclaim transphobic language. What I did not expect was a huge backlash from the men running these companies saying that I was out of line for having those beliefs and I would never work for them again. In the following months we seen a leader of a mainstream trans porn site attack The Transgender Lifeline and The Transgender Law Center for not agreeing with his use of transphobic language. What these men want is control of trans women in every possible way rather it be their bodies or their voices. It honestly makes me really sick to think about the system that has been in place and is still actively recruiting young trans women. Porn isn’t a good or bad thing but what you decide to do with it. Promoting hateful speech and the concept that trans women largely are here for straight men’s pleasure who don’t say “No” is harming the community as a whole.

I feel like when I became a God’s Girl the way I was being treated by nearly everyone suddenly changed. I was viewed as just one of hundreds of other alternative girls that included porn stars I idolize like Stoya, Courtney Trouble and Skin Diamond. Companies that before would utterly ignore me were all of a sudden interested. I started getting writing gigs like writing for Autostraddle and being on podcasts for people like Dan Savage. I am extremely happy to be treated more or less like my trans status isn’t something that is a negative. At this point I’m kind of just another alternative porn performer. I have been able to largely do this because of my connection with Trouble Films where I have been able to create, write and direct my own films. I’m extremely blessed to have people in my life who believe in what I’m doing enough to give me the support and resource to create my films.

Is my better treatment a sign of progress for trans women in porn? Sadly I don’t think so because 95% of performers don’t have the agency nor resources to separate themselves from mainstream trans porn. Its a really scary and emotionally abusive thing to go through with other trans performers saying hurtful things because you are calling the industry out at large. Like its not ideal for everyone to try to enter mainstream porn after leaving trans porn because there is still a lot of stigma around trans bodies that have largely been created due to the language used around our bodies. Its still transphobia that mainstream porn isn’t opening its doors to trans women.

I went to my first true mainstream porn set last October where both of my co-stars are cis and have largely worked with cis performers. The crew was nearly in the same boat and there was just this overall confusion on how mainstream trans porn can be so overtly transphobic. These people on set where extremely interested in breaking down these stigmas around trans women’s sexuality but at the same time if they can see the issues, why can’t we as trans performers speak about them without being blacklisted. I think in part I’m treated different because I don’t have sex in a really gender defying way where its more or less I’m fucking like a cis woman with getting penetrated with getting off from clitoral/cock stimulation. As awful as it is I believe the stigma around trans women topping with their cocks comes to that “well they’re a guy with tits”. Its perpetuated when trans women’s sexuality is called the best of both worlds or with terms like shemale that degender us. These have social consequences.

I am honestly extremely blessed to be in the position I am in the industry where I can look at 90% of my work and be utterly proud of everything about it. At this point in my life I regret shooting for sites with transphobic language not because bad things happened on set but because I know its creating a harsher reality for future trans performers. I really hope we see companies step away from these practices but it won’t happen until more and more performers speak out and leave. My advice for those who are thinking about speaking out, You need to think about what’s best for you. Your mental health as a trans woman comes before profit, memberships, company owners and everything else.